I wonder if this is a good idea. I try to compartmentalize my life a little too much sometimes. My latest attempt…write and explore my grief on Sundays. I often avoid Harrison. I play this game with myself where when a thought comes in and I shut it down. I avoid it. I push my mind to another place and tell myself I will revisit the memory on another day when I am prepared for it. Well, I’ll tell you what happens, I’m never prepared for it. I push and hide and side-step so many emotions that a bad day at work comes and I crumble. I crumble and drown in all the memories and feelings I was trying to avoid. I realize I’ll never be ok. I’ll never have Harrison next to me. I’ll never lose that empty feeling. But, I digress. Back to my compartmentalization plan. Now, on Sundays, I am supposed to take time to remember on my own terms. Perhaps, write what I am feeling. The result, my anxiety kicked in about two hours ago and I laid down for a nap. I think eventually I’ll find this a therapeutic approach. Eventually, it’ll be like visiting with an old friend. Right now, it just grips at every fiber of my being and tears it to shreds. Right now, even though my intention was to sit down and allow my self to remember Easters gone by, I am avoiding it. I feel dizzy. I have a stomachache. My arm hurts like I’m having a heart attack. So here I am, avoiding my Easter memories, telling myself, I will try again next week.
Holding on to Harrison
Wandering thoughts of a grieving mother...
