Harrison,
I had to take an Uber the other night. The truck needed to get worked on and I needed to drop it off. I am not that crazy about taking Ubers. I’m kind of anti-social so I hate when you get a driver who is too friendly and likes to chit-chat. What’s funny though is when the driver picked me up and said hi, I knew I’d be the one to be too friendly. I don’t know why. Something about his friendly voice. I read his profile right before he picked me up and saw he had 3 children. Busy guy. I felt myself leading the conversation and then suddenly, silently panicking at the direction it was going in. Out of my mouth I blurted, “I see you have 3 children. Wow! Did you do all of your Christmas shopping yet.” Ugh…as soon as it fell out of my mouth, I knew this would only lead to, “So how about you, do you have any kids?” It’s in that moment that you realize you have a split second to decide what direction the conversation is going to go in. Here was a young man so full of holiday cheer. He was smiling just talking about Christmas with his kids. Do I drop the blow? Do I tell him what happened? No, not tonight. Tonight, I decided you are alive. “Yes.” I replied. “I have 17-year-old son.” Oh….it felt so good to say that. So good to say you were here. I didn’t want to go too deep into my little white lie, so I kept it at that. So, when he joked and said he’d say “that great” but with you being 17, you never know, I fell right in line. I made the usual jokes about teenagers. Normally, I always (and I promise this is true) ended by saying I was really lucky because in all honesty you were a good kid. Tonight, there was no way I could squeak those words out without crumbling. I know I would have fallen apart mid-sentence. Instead, I went along with the teenager jokes. I told him all you wanted for Christmas was money. Part of me was trying to escape the conversation, yet part of me was reveling in it. Part of me just wanted to soak in, that for 10 minutes of my life that night, you were alive and well and driving me crazy. For 10 minutes, I escaped the nightmare that has been my life for the last three years. For 10 minutes, I was free of heartache and pain.
As I arrived home and got out of the Uber, I felt a spring in my step. I was smiling, thinking about our life together. I was smiling at the love I felt for you, my beautiful baby boy. I was smiling because I felt you with me. You and me against the world.
As the night progressed the reality crept back in. I was home without you. I hope you know how much I miss you, honey. I can’t wait for the day that I can hold you in my arms and tell you how much I’ve missed you. XoXoX
Love you more,
Mom